Who needs the gym?
Get a job in the creative industry instead. Take a job role described as a 9-5, fully knowing it involves at least 50 hours of work a week. This level of unpaid stress will really kick start your body into shredding those excess pounds. On top of this, convince yourself that between working, being drunk and or hungover you have no time to prepare lunch. Instead you will live off a diet of Itsu & Pret A Manger, reinforcing a level of financial stress without vegetables that will rev up your metabolism and ensure more of those pesky calories are burnt off.
This will begin to absorb your mind, and ensure that you never get above a solid 5 hours of sleep. To counter balance this you naturally gravitate towards coffee. This raises your heart rate, again this will ensure your body is in an optimised fat burning state. You will begin to drink so much coffee that you will question that it has no effective on you. Yet, you will not reduce the amount you drink, just in case your tired caffeine fogged mind is lying to you.
Next comes the weekend. You’ve told your colleagues you are feeling a little reduced after 7 months of not really catching up on sleep, so are having a “quiet” one. Then comes the message from an old school friend… “hey, it’s been ages!! London life eh? Fancy a quick beer after work”. You know better, but except. Naturally this leads to stumbling around the 24hour tube line at 4am trying to figure out exactly which northern line train is going to swiftly & cheaply take you home. They never do.
You wake up realising you’ve spent £60 on beer and after giving up walking around old street station you have a £32.50 Uber receipt. Fantastic. You spend the rest of the weekend, asking yourself why, trying to do laundry or remember your internet bank details to set up a saving account. To finish the weekend you will have a sleepless Sunday night, racked with guilt after totally smashing your internal body clock to pieces.
The Monday morning alarm will chime, causing physical pain and auditory moans.
After a dizzy 40 minutes of standing in a tube carriage filled with quick to anger and tutting commuters you will arrive at your office door. After a quick 15 second breathing exercise you tell yourself means your slightly more spiritual, you put on your best smile and walk boldly through the doors. “Morning, how was you weekend?” Your manger asks half heartedly. “Same old same old, pretty chilled” you lie through gritted teeth, worrying if they have spotted the dark rings propping your eyes open and bead of sweat rolling down your forehead.
The caffeine withdrawal’s begins to creep in, so you pour a cup and start the whole weekly creative cycle again. But the good news is that you have lost 3 pounds & managed to save about the same financially.